I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I haven't been this sober since birth.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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