I love black thongs
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
