I want to have your abortion
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm passing your future prison.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
