Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
