the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
