I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
