I haven't been this sober since birth.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dicks are not precious.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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