Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
