I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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