he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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