my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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