i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
