A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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