I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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