Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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