she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
