so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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