Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
