I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
