batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
