he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
