Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
