I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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