I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
