I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.