a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
