So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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