listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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