I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
