I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You pole danced in your parka.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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