I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
