I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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