Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
