with your own penis?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
