Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
