I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
