Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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