All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
