That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
