cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
