My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize