To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
