Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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