the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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