I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
