I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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