I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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