Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My apartment stinks of burning failure
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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