I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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