Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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