i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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