pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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