I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
