She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
