Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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