How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
