i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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