guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
